


Darling, Darling, Do You Have A Problem?

by ScentedPaperQueen



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment (Web Series)
Genre: 1980s, Age Difference, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Actors, Alternate Universe - Hollywood, Angst, Attempt at Humor, Backstory, Bittersweet Ending, Dubious Consent, Enemies to Lovers, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Golden Age Hollywood, Hate to Love, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Past, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Racism, Period-Typical Sexism, References to Depression, Scandal, Secrets, Sibling Love, Slow Burn, Smoking, The Author Regrets Nothing, a little fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:54:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 13,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24163192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScentedPaperQueen/pseuds/ScentedPaperQueen
Summary: Hollywood demands much from you.Shane Madej, a famous star, knows far too much about what they demand and how much it is given by many in return.Now a retired bachelor, he spins a tale for the press.This is that tale.A tale about Ryan Bergara, an aspiring star, who lit himself on fire for everyone else.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej, Sara Rubin/Marielle Scott
Comments: 25
Kudos: 52





	1. Petit a petit, l’oiseau fait son nid

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is going to be a multi-chapter story, which will be updated whenever it gets updated, probably quickly since its quarantine. 
> 
> It's going to contain some pretty mature themes so beware with caution. I'd suggest that you listen to "Carmen" by Lana Del Rey as you read it. Here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6K8Uq88BEQ
> 
> If you liked this first chapter, be sure to give a kudos and/or comment. 
> 
> Thank you!

_"It strikes me as a unique form of power to say your own name when you know that everyone in the room, everyone in the world, already knows it." - Taylor Reid Jenkins, **The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo**_

  
April 14th, 1981

**WHO KNEW THE PRINCE COULD BE SO BAD?** **!**

**Latest news! Shane Madej, the prince of Hollywood, found making out with a man! Yes, sirree! A man! Sadly we barely got a glimpse at him. All the ladies out there just fainted right now! I did when I heard the news. Could Shane Madej just be entirely in love with guys? Well, personally, I think it's just a rebellious and vengeful phase. Everyone knows about the lawsuit he just leveled at his company for** **_things_** **(oh when we'll know?) and why not ruin his company's image even more by doing** ** _this_** **?..........**

Shane Madej puts the newspaper down. He doesn't give a care really, but sadly being loved is the only way he makes money. You can't exactly make money when everyone thinks you've gone mad. That newspaper (if you could really call it that, really a tabloid to be honest) was the nicest it's been to him so far. He stirs his coffee slowly and starts thinking.

If only he could think right now.

Shane hears the man move in his bed. He braces himself for what he's going to get shortly afterward. The mumbled apologies and the "oh I didn't know who you were".

Shane should just stop fucking men in secret.

He chuckles quietly to himself. Nah. He enjoys it too much. Giving a middle finger at Hollywood and their ideals. Giving one to everyone who truly thinks that they have a say in who he is and what he should be. There's also no strings too if it's secret. 

The man shuffles out slowly, ruffling his hands through his light brown hair. Shane never really noticed until now that the man has a beard. Well, Shane never really knew his name either. 

"You're Shane Madej aren't you?" 

Shane nods, "Save your apologies. Just leave."

"I wasn't going to apologize."

Shane raises an eyebrow, vaguely surprised. Well he can't suppose that all men can be the same. Sniveling and sorry for having a single night with Shane.

"I'm waiting for _you_ to do so." The man stares at him in the eyes, a flicker of a flame burning, waiting to be coaxed out or burn out by Shane, depending on his reaction. 

"Are you going to go to the press with this? Too late, they know already." Shane bitterly chuckled. He doesn't like this guy staying and demanding things. An angry man who wants something will do anything to get it. If he doesn't get it, he'll simply get revenge. Lucky for him, Shane's a star, ready to be plucked out of the sky.

"No."

Shane belatedly forgot for a moment that he will damn himself too. Maybe Shane's also really lucky. He may be plucked but with the right words and actions, he'll shine again. The average man who's openly gay would ruin his career, reputation and then ruin his life.

It's how Shane didn't get caught for so long. Until now of course.

This guy simply wants an apology for Shane courting him. _Hypocrite._ From what Shane remembers, the guy came to him first. He was drunk and handsome enough that Shane didn't mind. However, slightly mediocre in bed to his disappointment. He did expect more from his strong arms. 

But maybe he _did_ need an apology because of the scandal Shane caused. It's always him that causes it because he's simply the star.

"Apologize."

Shane sighs inwardly. He really doesn't want to fight in the morning. So he'll cave in. He'll have to cave in to the public's demands and questions anyway.

"I'm sorry. Now go." He says, waving his hand toward the door.

"I'm sorry, what?"

Shane rolls his eyes. "What do you want? A hug?"

"My name will do."

In return, Shane is not ashamed to ask for it. He receives a short, "Brett", in return.

"I'm sorry, Brett." He puts extra emphasis on it. More of extra bitterness, but the guy demanded too much from him anyway.

Brett shrugs in return and heads out the door with the little belongings he had.

Shane returns to his coffee that he kept stirring. He takes a sip.

It's cold.


	2. La vie est trop courte pour boire du mauvais vin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Thank you for reading and leave a comment and/or kudos if you liked it! 
> 
> My song suggestion for this chapter: Wildest Dreams by Taylor Swift (I know this is super old but like still a bop haha) and my quote for this chapter is from Taylor Swift! (I'm slowly turning into a Swiftie) 
> 
> Link to the song: https://youtu.be/IdneKLhsWOQ

_"No matter what happens in life, be good to people. Being good to people is a wonderful legacy to leave behind."_ _- **Taylor Swift**_

April 16, 1981

"That asshole!"

Ryan Bergara stared at his friend, Brett, across the table. He gestured with his beer bottle, "You're not joking right?" 

Brett Bennett sighed and shook his head. "I'm serious. What I just told you actually happened." He looked slightly devastated. It was obvious that he would be. After all, sleeping with your idol and then said idol kicking you out, not nicely even.

And also Shane Madej falls into the category of 'stars that are secretly jerks.'

Ryan leans back in his chair. "I don't know whether to be jealous that you slept with him or to be angry at you for sleeping with him in the first place. Like dude!"

"Keep it down! I can't have anyone hearing. I was lucky enough to not have my face plastered on every single newspaper yet." Brett hissed back.

Ryan held up his hands, placating. "Fine." He quirks an eyebrow at Brent, "I'll never let you live this down however."

Brett groans. "You let the fact that 'Steven Lim peed on someone's laundry' go, but you'll never let the fact that 'I slept with Shane Madej and he turned out to be a jerk' go."

"Huh? Steven Lim fucking peed on someone's laundry?!" Ryan wheezes out loud.

Brett then put his head down onto the table in regret. "Damn, I forgot that Steven never told you." He adds after a few seconds, "And for good reason."

Ryan wheezes even more. Brett just smiles and shakes his head.

"I really don't want to bring this up but like how are you going to make this month's rent? I know you've paid each rent on time but...I think you're struggling for real this time."

"I really don't want to bring this up but like how are you going to deal seeing Shane Madej everywhere?" Ryan bites back. 

Brett flinches. Ryan mumbles out an apology. In return, he gets a hand wave, to forget about what just happened.

It was too late anyway. The light and airy atmosphere drained out, replacing it with a sense of foreboding. _'J_ _ust like reality.'_ He thought bitterly. 

Ryan didn't want to be much of a burden to Brett, the landlord's son, to ask him to somehow convince his father that Ryan was pitiful enough. Rather than stupid. But, he didn't know what to do. He quit his job at a telemarketing company to pursue his passion, to become a star, to rise to that hall of fame.

Money's running out though. Each audition has been a failure this month. If Ryan doesn't land this audition tomorrow.....no he doesn't want to think about what he'll have to do next. But a deep part inside him knows that he can't _not_ land the audition.

"Ryan....good luck on your audition tomorrow." Brett bade him a goodbye and headed out, covering the tab. 

Ryan dreams of a night where he could cover it. He dreams of a night where Brent and him can get drunk on richer alcohol, even wine. Just not beer. 

Every part of him clamors for him to sink into his head and just _dream._

But this is real life. Nothing works that way.

Ryan wishes it does. He wishes it so much. Maybe that's why everyone doesn't want him. He's too much of a dreamer. Hollywood needs a realist. A cutthroat one. One to throw everyone else under the bus that he drives.

He shakes his head. Nope. Can't be that. He wants to make it to the hall of fame in as moralistic way possible as Hollywood would never allow you to be entirely honest and good.

Ryan takes a long, long sip of his beer. As soon as he sets the bottle back down onto the table, Ryan realizes that he shouldn't be drinking because of the audition tomorrow morning, like Brett said. What Brett forgot to mention that it was his thirty-fifth. It wouldn't do him good to show up hangover. Although, it still wouldn't do him good to drink at all.

Life's too short anyway. A cynical part of him also says, "Like you'll get the role, sober or no." Ryan picks it up again.

Finger curled around the bottle, he says again, more of a whisper this time. "That asshole."

Ryan doesn't know which person or thing he is referring too.


	3. Fait accompli

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Thank you for reading this and if you liked it, leave a comment and/or kudos; possibly bookmark it to receive the latest chapters right away! 
> 
> Also constructive criticism is always welcome :D. 
> 
> The song I recommend for this chapter is Dope from BTS (it may feel a little more upbeat but the song's meaning relates directly to this one). Link: https://youtu.be/BVwAVbKYYeM

_"It's all make believe, isn't it?" - **Marilyn Monroe**_

April 17th, 1981

"You're late."

Sara Rubin shakes her head at Shane stumbling into the office. Shane smirks slightly and replies, "Never late for a scandalized star." If all the paparazzi outside the set, clamoring for an answer from Shane, was a good excuse. 

Luckily it was.

"I feel sorry for Steven. I did luck out when I became your stylist, honey." Sara sighs, pulling out the clothes that Shane was going to wear for the day. Was going to, as she discarded them to the side. Those clothes would be set for another day. First would be damage control. Why bother splurging on fancy clothing for a man the public might soon to hate?

She takes out a clean cut suit, perfect for a funeral. Shane sighs. "Well what do you expect me to do? What lie am I going to say?"

Sara looks at him like he's grown three heads. "Honey, I _only_ do fashion. I know you love me but don't expect me to become your personal maid, cleaning up your messes left and right."

"That's a shame. I really wanted it. I had everything planned out in my head."

The suit gets thrown at him, it smacks his chest. Shane knows that the intention was his head.

Swallowing the sarcastic remark about her height, he heads in to change. 

* * *

He comes out, fiddling with the cuffs.

Sara whistles. "Maybe that height is good for something."

Shane would say something back but he's...nervous. Only slightly, not enough to show it. He had learned early on that it would do him no good to be a deer in the headlights.

The people that become famous are the people that are confident. So confident that it borderlines into arrogance. The press just eats that up.

So when Sara waves him to the office with a quick, "Break a leg", Shane struts there, ignoring that stares and the whispers that follow his back. He assesses the pros and cons in his mind as he goes.

There seems to be more cons than pros. With pros being...non-existent. At least to Shane. 

He knocks twice on the door and then enters to see a very stressed Steven Lim. Shane almost feels bad for doing this to him. Steven was the one who truly believed in Shane's acting prowess, long before anyone saw the same. 

However...he couldn't find it in himself to regret it. To regret shoving an integral part of himself deep deep down, just because the public doesn't wish to see it. Because it isn't _normal_.

"It was going to catch up eventually, Shane. Better now than before." Steven sighed. He ran his hands through his hair as he sunk down into his chair with his shoulders slumping, the blonde noticeably fading from it. Shane assumed that he didn't get to retouch it as the appointment was yesterday, when all hell broke loose and Steven had to shove the demons back in the cage. The slumped shoulders seemed to be good evidence towards that. 

"You messed up. You seriously messed up. I almost didn't know how to fix this besides dropping you to burn. I don't want to do that. Some part of your tainted soul tells me to keep you. But it's so hard to do so. Maybe I do need to drop you, to loan you out somewhere else. Far, far from here...." Steven almost goes on a long tirade, but stops himself, sitting in silence. 

Shane knows to just let him stew. It was one of the first mistakes he'd made in the beginning that he'd learn to not make again when Steven refused to talk, even _look_ at him for a week. 

"So I assume you have something for this." Shane replied, relaxing into a chair across from Steven's desk. Shane knows that Steven could work this out. Steven Lim did not become a famous producer for nothing. Shane wouldn't have done the actions that he did if he didn't trust Steven to clean this up and make Shane look better that before in the public's eye. 

_'Shane Madej trusts Steven Lim.'_ was a sentence that rang true.

Steven shakes his head slightly, but stills. "Maybe..I do." 

And that's how Shane found himself in front of Candidate #467's picture. 


	4. Regarder en chiens de faïence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Welcome to the latest chapter! If you enjoyed reading this, feel free to leave a kudos and/or comment! 
> 
> Even bookmark it to be kept updated on the latest chapters! 
> 
> The song I recommend for this is...Tennis Court by Lorde! You have to do whatever it takes to get famous, huh?  
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8Ymd-OCucs
> 
> Thank you for reading! Enjoy!

_"You should know this about the rich: they always want to get richer. It is never boring, getting your hands on more money." - Taylor Jenkins Reid,_ **_The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo  
_ **

April 24th, 1981

"Sir, we would like to see you again."

Ryan listened to the woman's voice through the phone, his hands covered in a cold sweat. Every part of him wanted to agree happily, to shout in glee, to do whatever they said, because he's so close to getting a substantial _role._

Not a role in a commercial. Not a role as an extra. A role that promises so many things with the number of lines and screen time that it offers.

"When?" Ryan said calmly. He does hope that the woman cannot hear the heavy breathing through the phone as he can't seem to stop. It feels like if he does stop, he'll lose this. Possibly everything.

"Tomorrow morning, at 7:30 am, apologies for the early time but your future co-star would like to meet you before agreeing."

"No need to apologize. I will be there, ma'am." Ryan hurriedly said. It sounds so submissive, Ryan almost hates it.

Then he hears the woman's approval in her voice as she bids him a goodbye. ' _At least being nice got me something there'._

Ryan turns the phone over and over, thinking. Who could his co-star be? Most likely a woman since the movie was extremely romantic. With even a sex scene. Well, as much of a sex scene one could get without it becoming porn. 

Will Ryan have to expose his body for fame? If he does, will the fame be the right kind of fame? The fame that'll keep his head held high as he walks down the street. The insecurities whisper through his head.

_You're only handsome. That's all they want. Looks. Brains, you're lacking in that department. (wheeze)_

He stops theorizing so much (no one likes people who think too much) and starts mentally preparing for tomorrow. To be submissive and agreeable but still be special enough for someone to pay attention to. For multiple people to pay attention to. 

Ryan will be a tiny doll that people just can't help but keep even if they're all grown up.

The phone starts ringing again. He picks it up right away. "Hello." Ryan expects the woman's voice to come through the phone again.

It does. "Hello again, could you please state your address?"

"Why? Is there a problem, ma'am?" Ryan replies. 

"No, there isn't." The woman answered, clearly enjoying the use of ma'am. "It's just that a car will be sent to pick you up. The dear co-star is worried that you won't make it there on time...due to reasons."

Ryan almost bites out a snarky reply. _'What is this? A government crackpot? I can get through traffic, you know?'_

"Oh of course. 1049 Atlantic Boulevard." He replies instead.

"Thank you very much. You will be picked up at 6:30 AM." The phone is hanged up right after.

There's a part of him that bristles at the personality that is being adopted. That believes that Ryan deserves to be treated better. To not have to be forced to wake up so early and prepare for a car that has come out of the distrust of the company that he'll be able to make it on time.

But that part of him will wait.

Until he becomes famous. That's when the claws come out. When everyone will see that little Ryan Bergara is not so little after all.

When he is, he'll choose what time he'll show up. What role he'll get. What movie he will act in. Ryan is going to choose everything. It sounds so so arrogant but Ryan can't bear to see what happens if he doesn't get famous.

 _Oh god_ , Hollywood is affecting him already. Turning him into a manipulative monster ready to do anything to get to the top. It's turning him into someone who kills behind the scenes, then kill when he gets to the top, but no one cares....he's at the top--he'll _be_ at the top. 

Ryan's afraid though. He's afraid that no matter what. No matter how Hollywood makes him a perfect man, he'll fail.

Wasn't there a saying, "Fortune favors the bold."?

Right about now, Ryan isn't bold. He's just afraid.


	5. Entre-nous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Welcome to my latest chapter! If you liked this chapter, please leave a kudos and/or comment. You can also bookmark it to keep updated on this story. 
> 
> The song that I recommend listening to for this chapter is Are You Bored Yet? by the Wallows ft. Clairo. (I know I know, it's a song that is used a lot in Tik Tok, but if you ignore that, it's truly a bop.) I chose this because it is reminiscent of Los Angeles's weather, like a summer kind of vibe, definitely not for the things that are going to happen in this chapter....
> 
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wIgmyE5Juzw

_"Sometimes when you meet someone who's going to change your life... You just know it, I guess."_ **_-_ ** _Chloe Price, **Life is Strange: Before the Storm**_

April 25th, 1981 

Shane sits in the car, twirling a pen with his fingers, staring at Ryan Bergara's audition notes by the casting director.

As Shane reads them, he came to a consensus that Bergara got the role purely for his looks. It was more of a confirmation than a consensus though. He needed a handsome guy to be able to sell the lie that would be told.

Shane imagines that the results of the lie would consist of the following:

A) Theaters would be packed. No one would want to miss a disgraced star's return. 

B) Shane would be redeemed in the public's eyes. (Maybe)

C) Bergara would always be a part of Shane's story. (Definite)

Point C would be the most negative out of all of this. Not for Shane obviously, for Bergara. Technically, it all depended on how well he acted. A lucky future in fame and in Hollywood awaited him already. Bergara was technically already there. It's just that the lie would follow Bergara forever as it _is_ the reason that he rose to fame in the first place.

But that doesn't give Bergara the excuse to act like shit.

The acting makes the lie seem plausible. Seem that Shane's actions were normal. Anyone could have fallen for those actions. It is a risk that should have been taken.

Shane already knows how to do so. The wild card is the other.

If Bergara's acting isn't up to par, Shane will drag Bergara to hell with him. 

Shane inwardly sighed. He'll have to deal with an amateur during shooting and free-time. Just so that person won't fall on his head and become a laughingstock, Shane with him.

"Sir, he's arrived." The chauffeur nodded to the man coming out of the apartment building. 

"Open the doors." Shane promptly ordered, sitting back as the chauffeur did what he was told.

There's something to be said about Ryan Bergara. The audition pictures hardly do him justice. It barely showcases the innocence that fills him; a wide-eyed wonder. He looks so nice, so innocent, so young. He also managed to dress nice..almost as if he's in a photo shoot.

Shane now knows the answer to the multitude of questions that flew through his mind.

_Bergara is going to eaten alive if Shane didn't help him.  
_

He lets out a large breath. Shane is going to have so much work cut out for him.

An expression of surprise and something else washes over Bergara's face as he takes note of who is sitting in the car. Something in Shane bursts with arrogance and pride. To _still_ cause surprise and a feeling so similar to awe. Even after all that happened...

The chauffeur opens the door for Bergara to enter. He moves in, still staring at Shane with that doe-eyed expression.

"Are you Ryan Bergara? Or are you a teenage girl?" Shane smirks.

He blushes heavily with embarrassment in return. "Does the attitude come with your big head?" Bergara mumbles in return.

Shane is slightly taken back, body moving back slightly. In the future, he won't admit it, he'll blame it on the lurch of the car as it starts moving.

No starting actor has insulted him so openly. It's an unofficial rule in Hollywood to never insult someone who's more famous than you to their face. (More of what stupid thing you shouldn't do) Insulting them behind their back? Yes, although it could be a disadvantage for you, depending on who you tell it to. 

"I could tell you to get out the car right now for your sweet words, darling."

A flash of fear flickers through Bergara's eyes before it's filled with something else. Rage. Probably at being told what to do. That's also what the pictures didn't showcase. It didn't showcase the arrogance and the idiocy.

"You wouldn't dare. Not with the reputation you have now."

"I don't think you need to worry about my reputation. I believe that you should worry about your money."

Bergara's mouth seals itself shut after that. The car moves slowly through traffic. Shane sighs inwardly. (He seems to be sighing inwardly far too many times.) 

They're going to be slightly late but that's fine. It's just the company that Shane hates to deal with.

Especially when Bergara says, "You didn't even know the guy's name but you still fucked him."


	6. Savoir-faire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Welcome to my latest chapter! If you enjoyed reading it, please leave a kudos and/or comment. If you want to be notified and updated on events associated with this story, please bookmark it! 
> 
> The most important thing that I am encouraging you to do is to do anything you can to help the Black Lives Matter movement. Attend a protest, sign a petition, donate, educate yourself, etc. A good idea for donation is a video by Zoe Amira, where you can play this video on loop, and all ad revenue goes the Black Lives Matter movement. 
> 
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCgLa25fDHM

_"I had thought nothing could be as much fun as winning over the heart of a king, but I was wrong. It was much more thrilling to win over the hearts of countless people at once." - Kiera Cass,_ _**The Betrothed** _

April 25th, 1981

Ryan has been off on a bad start. A very bad start, indeed. He fumed over this inwardly, during the car ride and walking through the halls. Going somewhere. Ryan's just not sure where exactly.

If there was a book named, "How to end your acting career.", Ryan would be checking each chapter off his list.

He literally had a game plan. Ryan went over it again and again. He would be nice and be kind out in the open, leaving the dirty work (the throat cutting, the backstabbing) for behind the scenes. Ryan would be playing two roles. The character and an entirely nice guy, not a threat. 

Then he messed up. He fucked up. It was only five minutes and then he cracked, showing something true about himself and possibly about Brett. If Shane dug deep enough, then Brett's reputation would be ruined, Ryan with him. Ryan would have it so much worse though. He would lose this dream that he worked so hard to get.

Ryan did things that he wasn't proud of. He doesn't want to even think about it. Those things would obviously never be shared. It would be taken to his grave. Ryan doesn't want to do those things again, even though he didn't regret it the first time he did so.

Ryan's not a monster. Not someone who thrives off the misery of others. He regretted what he did to that star. Can't even think of his name without feeling nausea.

Maybe it's not Ryan's fault that he snapped. He'll blame it on his inexperience in the industry. Oh how people grated on his nerves. Especially _him._

Shane Madej. The man and the myth and the legend. Ryan looked up to him once. He aimed to be him; to become Shane Madej, Hollywood's prince. (And sometimes he though about being more than him-better than him; to be Hollywood's king.)

Now...now he saw...he doesn't know what to think of the man beside him now. He's definitely taller in person. The six foot giant.

"Now, now. You have to pay me to stare at me like that." Shane says, with a smirk on his face that Ryan wishes that he could just wipe off. Preferably with a fist.

Ryan forces himself to look down at his feet walking on the tiled floors, muttering an apology, biting his tongue afterwards to make sure he doesn't say anything else incriminating.

He doesn't see the raised eyebrow from the other, but he does hear the clicked tongue. Instead of wiping the smirk off with a fist, how about Ryan just pull the tongue out with a pile of forceps?

Ryan shakes his head slightly and looks back up in front of him, bumping in the escort in front of him. He blushes red and mutters an apology to the person, hearing a small chuckle from Shane.

"The door's to our left." Shane remarks.

Ryan doesn't reply, not trusting himself not to say something insulting. He shoves the door open slightly, it opening to reveal a tired man in the office, hands rubbing over his own eyes.

The man smiles when he sees Ryan and gestures at the two of them to come in. Ryan and Shane leave the escort at the door, and enter.

The office is small with a tall window on the left wall spanning from the floor to the ceiling, letting the first rays of sunshine come in; the sun just rising. A bookcase containing multiple books crammed inside of it, almost haphazardly, takes reign of the right wall. One of the books are titled, "The Bell Jar".

"Isn't that book banned? I mean hard to get." Ryan blurts out loud. 

The man raises an eyebrow and focuses his eyes on the book that Ryan's looking at. "Oh yes." He replies, tips of his mouth upturned.

He waves a hand while looking back at Ryan. "Just research. Don't worry Mr. Bergara. I'm not secretly at the head of a revolution."

"No, no, no I don't mean that. I just don't see it often. I apologize Mr...?"

"Mr. Steven Lim. But ditch the formalities. Call me Steven. Please sit. We have much to discuss."

Steven gestures to the two mahogany chairs in front of his desk, which look uncomfortable. When Ryan sinks into the chair on the left, he realizes that it _is_ uncomfortable. _'Must be something used to get people out of the office as fast as possible.'_ These chairs are obviously not made to be sat in for a substantial amount of time.

Shane takes a while to sit in the chair on the right, first pouring himself a cup of coffee (black-of course; it's what a jerk would drink) on a circular table near a plush armchair. Ryan had half a mind to tell Shane to pour him one too, but he knew that this wasn't the right time or place to demand something.

His hand twitches slightly, almost curling into a fist. This wasn't it...for now anyways.

Once Shane sinks into the chair, Steven starts, "Mr. Bergara-"

"Please call me Ryan."

He dips his head in response and continues, "I offer you my congrats on receiving a large role...on your first try. Due to certain circumstances, I must pop your bubble in believing that you received the role for your talent. You received your role because out of every candidate, I believe you can sell yourself the most and your looks are just a very lucky throw in."

Shane butts in, "Also you might want to cut the bullshit. The mask of being nice just doesn't suit you. You have slipped out of it again and again. You have fixed it again and again. With little to no success.", his hand stirs the coffee slowly while looking at Ryan.

Ryan's hands clench slightly. No matter how much his pride hurt, he knew that Shane was right. Although..it still hurt slightly. "By your means, I cannot don a mask, and now you expect me to lie?"

No one answers his question.

It was detrimental to hope too much. To hope that Hollywood would live up to its image of stars with natural born talent and natural born looks becoming famous overnight. That Ryan made it fairly. Maybe he did make it fairly according their standards. After all, he can _sell himself_ (whatever that means). That Hollywood was too nice for that. It was detrimental to hope for that. To hope for fairy-tales. But some part of him still did.

He plans to cut that part out in the future. The part who hopes and looks for the good in people. He ignores that he'll somehow always keep that part with him. It's like telling Ryan to not be afraid of ghosts and spirits and the supernatural in general.

"What's the lie?"

Steven responds after a few moments of thinking, "I assume you know what Shane did?"

After Ryan's slight nod, he continues, "This will be my last movie. I have done enough for this company and for Shane. I want to retain what normal life I have left."

From what Ryan knows, Steven Lim rose to power in the Hollywood industry as a producer in Warner Brothers and stay there for a while, churning classics and iconic movies left and right. There never was a scandal to his name.

If this is his last movie, he knows that the movie will definitely be a banger.

"Now Ryan, what you're selling isn't exactly a lie per say. That would mean that it is not true at all. I simply need you to sell yourself as a scandalous, sex, and dangerous icon. A trainwreck that someone can't look away from due to horror and something similar to glee and awe. You'll deem Shane as an innocent man with his image almost entirely clean while making yourself famous in the process, although mostly for not ethical reasons."

"What if I say no?"

"Then you go home, get paid enough money to be kept quiet. Find another role."

A contract is shoved in front of Ryan's face. It asks for Ryan to try his best, to keep quiet about all of this and...to work with Shane.

_'Anything to be famous, right?'_

Ryan looks over at Shane. Shane stares right back at him, still stirring his coffee. Shane is simply an obstacle that must be undertaken. He rolls the sentence over and over in his mind.

Ryan mulls over the things that he did. Especially to..yeah. They can't exactly be for nothing.

"I would like a pen, Steven."


	7. Fais de beaux reves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Welcome to my latest chapter, if you enjoyed this, be sure to leave a comment and/or kudos! Bookmark it to be kept updated on all things with this story in general.
> 
> Thank you for reading!

_"Brave thoughts, but am I ready to follow through on them?" - Marie Lu,_ **_Legend_ **

May 25th, 1981

Shane almost doesn't recognize Ryan.

Maybe it's the afternoon sun or Shane's tired mind from the humidity and heat.

"It's 78 degrees, Fahrenheit. Not too hot, thankfully." The newscaster rattled off from his television.

_Not too hot, my ass._

As Shane is secluded under the shade, watching over another film (out of boredom of course) and still being boiled inside out, a door is opened and two people step out. One of the people is one of the managers sleeked in a gray suit, patting the other on the back, the other looking like he has been pushed to the brink..emotionally.

Apparently that someone is Ryan, by the way the manager greets him a goodbye: "It's amazing what they did to you. I didn't even know you were that Latino guy when I first walked in afterwards!"

He sees Ryan grit his teeth in a smile (surprisingly passable) and graciously say thank you. So Ryan does not fight with everyone he meets. Shane's just special apparently.

The main thing that throws him off from the picture of Ryan already established in his head is that the bosses bleached his skin, enough to pass Ryan for being tan, not for his actual heritage. He must have went under a large amount of bleaching from the way Ryan rubs his arms back and forth, trying to deal with the residue the cream left.

Shane sets his mouth in a line. It's obvious that Steven won't like this. The movie was supposed to be different from the rest. It can't exactly be different from the rest if all actors look the same.

But no one really knows what movie Steven is really doing so he can't exactly fault them for that.

The bleaching will fade in two months or so anyway. Shooting for the movie starts in three months. It takes so long due to Ryan's "lessons". Which are more of identity erasing appointments but whatever. The melanin would come back, but he'll always look different. He knows that once Hollywood touches you, there's that lingering sense of its work on you.

Shane was lucky to not have Hollywood touch a hair on him, fitting him in a different body, but Hollywood told Shane to play as a bachelor and a jerk.

He's still playing that role to this day. He isn't really sure whether he's truly happy with that or not. Well Shane's supposed to be happy with that, he's famous after all.

Ryan seems to move towards Shane. Shane wonders why. The two have made an unofficial rule to stay away from each other unless absolutely necessary. The absolutely necessary scenarios don't happen yet. They happen in three months.

"Must you keep staring?" Ryan asks, still rubbing his arms. Shane wonders what story Hollywood assigned to Ryan, trying to little as much of Ryan's heritage as possible. 

Steven is not going to like that either. Shane makes a mental note to tell Steven about this, eventually. If he would just stop burning first. 

"Well Ryan, must you keep practicing?" Shane responds with a raised eyebrow. He doesn't exactly remember when he started referring to the man on the first-name basis. Oh yes, when Steven told the two of them were forced to get along for the sake of the movie and Shane's reputation. What he didn't say was for the sake of the sanity as well. But mainly...

_'Because of the reputation.'_

The four words that will follow Shane to his grave. His very lonely grave indeed. On some days, he wonders when he can stop his role and be Shane Madej, a normal man. Who is Shane Madej anyway without Hollywood?

As Ryan insults Shane in Spanish under his breath, Shane laughs which serves to outrage the other man more.

"What's so funny big guy?" Ryan replies.

"You know that you cannot speak Spanish here. But you still do. It's like you're _trying_ to get kicked out."

Flames flicker in Ryan's eyes. "Well I can say whatever language I please. I should be able to say whatever language I please."

"Should. Should. Should. Then demand it of the higher ups. Go ahead. I would like to insult in Polish."

The flames die out quicker than they appear as Ryan doesn't respond, opting to stare at his sneakers. Note to self: Get Sara to give him some nicer shoes. It's truly a sore on the eyes.

Shane's voice becomes quieter, "You follow their rules. Until you get to the top anyway. If you do. Just last until then."

Ryan's hand clench slightly as he looks at Shane in the eyes and gives a determined nod. His voice is quiet too, " _When_ I get to the top."

Shane chuckles as he leaves Ryan to his musings, slowly ambling his way to the inside of the studio with no destination in mind. Most likely Steven's office. Or Sara's corner. Sara always did have the best gossip. 

Shane still wouldn't touch Ryan with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole but he can grudgingly see the man as ambitious and ready to sacrifice anything to get to the top, due to the lack of indignant screaming and yelling and his co-star storming out of the studio, never to return, like some, if not most, non-white actors.

If he was them, he would most likely do the same.

Shane lucked out, he knew that. But when he got to the top, maybe they were lucky in the end. The top probably took more from Shane than what Hollywood tried to take from them--what Hollywood took from Ryan.

Ryan gave it up willingly it seemed.

After more thinking--clear thinking as the AC blew in Shane's face--, Shane revisits the adjective that he placed on Ryan.

Maybe not _ambitious_.....maybe _desperate_ is the right word.

After all, Ryan did sign the contract in a bat of an eye.


	8. Libre comme l'air

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Welcome to my latest chapter, if you enjoyed this, be sure to leave a comment and/or kudos! Bookmark it to be kept updated on all things with this story in general.
> 
> Thank you for reading!

_"When  
you're walking in the nighttime,  
make sure the nighttime  
ain't walking into you." - Jason Reynolds, **Long Way Down**_

May 25th, 1981  


Ryan can't recognize himself anymore. It's only been a month and he became a different man ever since. Yes, his name is Ryan Bergara. But who is he?

Is he the man who ~~was~~ _is_ proud of his heritage, of his Asian and Latin descent? The man who also ~~enjoyed~~ _enjoys_ tamales made by his grandmother. The man who ~~was~~ _is_ glad to be different. The man who ~~wanted~~ _wants_ to become famous to prove to everyone else that anyone could achieve what anyone else could achieve, no matter the descent, the color, the **story**.

Or is he the man who became the definition of normal, with his bleached skin and different origin story, blotting out all the important things that made Ryan, _Ryan_?

Steven said that Ryan would be different. Ryan trusted Steven, not because he seemed friendly, but because they were alike. Steven had his own struggles. Struggles that were different but yet so similar to Ryan's. Struggles that were amplified because of descent. Ryan trusted Steven.

But as he's looking in the mirror, Ryan's feeling like an absolute fool.

It was probably rule number one of every survival book at Hollywood. _Don't trust anyone_.

He wants to run out and never look back. Why couldn't he pick a respectable job? Why did he quit his office job in the first place? It wasn't nice but it paid well.

His breaths come in sharp and quick, on the border of hyperventilating. Ryan tries to breathe in slowly, but his lungs are too tight. His eyes water slightly. Is he Ryan Bergara anymore? Sure, the higher-ups let him keep the name but still.

Ryan doesn't want to be _Ryan Bergara_ like _**this**_.

He's breathing so much and so hard, with not enough air passing through his lips, he might pass out on the cold-tiled bathroom floor. It wouldn't look good if he does that. They'll (Ryan doesn't even really know who _they_ is referring to, maybe Shane and Steven, maybe the managers, maybe everyone on this set) perceive him as weak and nothing salvageable. The repercussions would be hard and unforgiving. They'll break Ryan.

With all of this knowledge, he can't. Ryan can't stop enough to breathe normally. A numbness spreads over his body, its cold yet warm embrace making each of his body parts unmovable. Ryan knows that he is going to pass out for sure if he doesn't do something. The potential consequences and repercussions that were meant to make him calm down just make him more freaked out. 

So he does the only thing he could do, the only think he knows how to do right now. Ryan clenches his right hand, the fingernails digging into his palm. The sharp then dulling pain is enough for him to pull back his entire arm.

To be able to punch the mirror right in front of him. 

Glass shards dig into his knuckles causing pain. Glorious pain.

It hurts. Of course it would hurt. Hurt always seems to follow Ryan ever since he step foot into the studio.

But this is a hurt that wakes him up slightly. As Ryan pulls his hand back from the mirror, trying not to scream from the pain. He sees tiny droplets of blood interwoven between broken fragments of glass. It's a train-wreck, but Ryan can't look away from the glints of light still reflecting off of it.

Ryan's not sure what to do now as he pulls his eyes away from the mirror to his hand. At least he doesn't need stitches, as a bandage would suffice well enough. He slowly wonders where the medical station is, if there is any. Well Ryan still can't go there, it would spread rumors. Rumors containing whispers of his instability for the role that he was given. 

Sure, he would please Steven, a simple famous producer and soon-to-be director, just maybe not all the managers and people in charge that can have Ryan leave for good.

Ryan stumbles out of the bathroom and thanks his stars that there's no one around, not yet anyway. No one to see his shaking and blood slowly dripping from his right hand. He belatedly laughs over the fact that he'll make his own mark here with blood.

What a perfect man for the role he truly signed for indeed.

"Hey...you okay?" A voice cuts through and he slowly looks up to see _him_. Just the man Ryan didn't want to see. Not today and possibly not ever. It's fun how reality always seems to go against you, to the simple point of death.

Shane looks almost concerned. Ha! Almost concerned for Ryan? Ryan had a half of a mind to turn around and say, "Oh you talking to me? I'm perfectly fine."

Instead, Ryan raises a hand in return and cracks a smile, forcibly stopping his shaking. He prays that it is enough to show that he's **fine and no he's not insane just sad sad sad (over what?) nothing nothing just that his heritage is gone gone gone what made him who is he is gone gone gone and it's all because of what he wants**. "Don't worry, I tripped and smashed a mirror. What are you doing around here, big guy? Need someone to tie your shoes for you since you can't reach down yourself?"

Shane retorts, in return, with slightly more bite than usual, where Ryan wonders why. "Need someone to always follow you to make sure you're not bleeding to death?"

In return, he wants to say, "I'm already dead here." but he doesn't. _Don't be unstable_ is his new important rule for now.

It's a stupid rule to follow as Ryan's supposed to be a train-wreck of a man. A man that Steven wants.

 _'Don't worry, Big Apple Steve.'_ He thinks in his head, _'I already am.'_ as he ambles away, with no destination in mind.


	9. Personne n'est parfait

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Welcome to my latest chapter, if you enjoyed this, be sure to leave a comment and/or kudos! They literally make my day. :D Bookmark it to be kept updated on all things with this story in general.
> 
> Thank you for reading and please enjoy!

_"Cheat or be cheated. Crush or be crushed. Play … or be killed. The next move is mine." - Jennifer A. Nielsen, **The Traitor's Game**_

May 26th, 1981

Shane takes a long drag on a cigarette, staring at the night sky which was rarely filled with many stars, on the rooftop of the studio. He guesses that tonight was just a lucky night, if those ever really existed for him. Maybe all of the nights Shane was here were lucky, as due to Steven's appreciation for some alone time and his pleasure to help Shane out, no one interrupted him here.

Shane doesn't really think of really credible things. But he always has some fun facts just ready to be churned out into the air, the darkness being his only witness.

One fun fact is that smoking kills you and that Shane should stop smoking whenever he wants the world to be silent, to stop it turning for just a few moments. It's an unhealthy coping mechanism. Another fun fact is that everyone dies in the end and Shane just would die quicker than most.

At least Shane would die in flames and leave a legacy behind which is more than what most people could say. A legacy that would be appreciated as a classic, nothing more.

He'll start to burn anyway, if Shane succeeded in his lawsuit, the company would never want to work with him again, as Shane would be the person who made them the fool. Well..it's not _if_ Shane succeeded in his lawsuit, it's _when_ Shane succeeded in his lawsuit. The company offered again and again to settle with him outside of court but he declined again and again.

His brother deserved his money. It's a key to getting him enough help. Shane is the key. He needs to do this right. He needs to win.

There's so many things that Shane _needs_ to do. There's so many that Shane doesn't know what he _wants_ instead of needs.

Another fun fact is that Steven said that his movie would be the last one he'll ever make. Shane will soon say that Steven's movie will be the last that he'll ever act. Ryan will say that it was the first out of many movies that he'll act in.

As he takes another long drag of the burning cigarette, lungs filling up with smoke, Shane remembers the time where his brother lost his reputation and his money. All for an escape that would be impossible to achieve...if only death did not exist.

_It was a bright day. The day it all went wrong. The sun was bright, the birds were singing and Scott and Shane sat huddled under an umbrella, on a picnic blanket, at the park. They were disguise, hats covering their messy heads and clothes that the two of them would never be caught dead in._

_It was a happy day. It was going to be one of the best days of Shane's life.They managed to find a secluded area, managed to forget nothing and didn't murder each other within the first ten minutes of seeing each other. (Maybe that day would have been truly happy if Shane knew the truth.)  
_

_But then the tables turned very quickly, so quickly, to be one of the worst days of his life._

_  
"Hey! Batman is not that bad of a movie! I thought it was fantastic."_

_"Of course you would believe it so. People always said that you have the worse movie taste out of the two of us."_

_"Shut up!"_

_"Just stating the facts."_

_  
Then Scott's phone rang. With a snide remark from Shane about how Scott doesn't care about "sweet family time", Scott waved his hand at Shane like a buzzing fly and turned his phone off as he shoved it into the picnic basket._

_Fifteen minutes later, Shane's phone started to ring as well. With the returned remark repeated by Scott, that was originally said by Shane, Shane decided to pick it up, seeing that the call was from Steven and calls from him were usually very quick._

_With the middle finger up at Scott, and Scott rolling his eyes to the sky. Shane answered._

_Then Shane's whole world came crashing down._

_Shane had to make his own new world after Scott's final departure. A departure filled with shouting and secret tears that was shed, where the both of them would never admit that they did shed them in the first place._

Shane put out the cigarette in the ashtray in front of him. Taking a last breath of the sky, Shane stood up and was about to leave when he heard a slight shuffling behind him.

"Go back down, or I'll make you." Shane says to the person behind.

"Then make me." The person replies. He stills, eyes still centered on the mahogany rocking chair. It's Ryan.

Tonight is definitely not a lucky night, the stars were wrong. The stars started being wrong when they showed themselves when Shane was in the hospital waiting room.

"I wanted to apologize." Ryan says before Shane starts his regular bickering at him.

Shane finally laid his eyes on the man. Ryan looked somewhat nervous, eyes slightly red, slightly shaking, and not putting up a facade like yesterday. Maybe it was an olive branch for them to finally work togehter. Maybe Ryan's gotten better at getting under Shane's skin.

Ryan could not be trusted. He was a desperate man with nothing to lose and had everything to gain. He would _hurt_ so many people to get there. Shane knew it. Ryan proved it yesterday and he'll prove it again and again and again.

He knew all of these things about the man in front of him, but Shane still sat back down.


	10. Mieux vaut être seule que mal accompagnée.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan Bergara originally meant to give an apology and leave.
> 
> He never expected to play a game under the starts, especially with Shane Madej, the man that he's giving an apology to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Welcome to my latest chapter, if you enjoyed this, be sure to leave a comment and/or kudos! Bookmark it to be kept updated on all things with this story in general. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and please enjoy!

_"Sometimes reality comes crashing down on you. Other times reality simply waits, patiently, for you to run out of the energy it takes to deny it." - Taylor Jenkins Reid, **The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo**_

May 26th, 1981

Ryan moves forward, situating himself beside Shane, looking at the stars dancing in the nighttime. They remind him of hope, of the endless opportunities, of something that is actually worth all what Ryan is giving up, which was mostly himself.

The higher-ups gave him a new origin. Ryan Bergara came from an upper-middle class family who attended private schools of the highest quality. He fell in love with acting when his high school had a production of Romeo and Juliet, a classic work by Shakespeare. With his natural talent, Ryan easily scored the main role, Romeo himself, out of many other experienced classmates. He then aimed to achieve great things by moving to Los Angeles. For fun, he likes to read biographies and non-fiction works at his family's beach house.

As Ryan stares into the bright stars, remembering that as a child, he wanted to live among them every night. As a child, he figured that the sky would be so much better to live in than in a cramped apartment, where electricity was rare and dinner even rarer.

Ryan begins, not deigning to look at Shane, "I just wanted to...apologize for yesterday. I'm sorry that I acted brashly. I shouldn't have done that when you wanted to check if I was fine, for once-" He stilled as a sharp chuckle came out from the man to the left.

"Continue. And...it probably won't happen again." Shane joked without any real bite. 

"I'd die before you do that again." Ryan replied, the corners of his mouth turning slightly up.

"Well I assume you accepted my apology with the way you interrupted me." He continued, raising one of his eyebrows while looking at Shane.

Shane waved his hand in dismissal. "I get it. It was personal. I know I'll never really understand it, considering my own skin color. But...yeah. I get it. It's fine."

He looks back at Ryan. "Don't worry about asking me to tell nobody. I won't. It's not like I trust anyone here. Except Steven."

Ryan's shoulders slump in relief. _Thank God._ There are many different kinds to Shane, Ryan surmises in his head. Well, this side to him is something that Ryan actually appreciates. Sure, Ryan still hates his guts with the knowledge from Brett but if he didn't know Shane in that way...he'd almost say that Shane was secretly a nice actor.

Alas, he still has that knowledge and in reality, Shane is...he's not sure really.

"I won't tell anyone except on one condition."

Ryan can finish that sentence now. Shane is a manipulative jerk.

Before Ryan can muster the courage to punch Shane, the man continues, "You play a game with me. It's more of I ask a question then you answer, and vice versa. You can't back out of answering, no matter how personal the question is. And it has to be the truth."

A deep stone settles in Ryan's stomach. Ryan can't stomach telling the absolute truth to anybody, especially Shane. 

Well..he needs to ensure Shane's silence. Ryan already had multiple difficulties adjusting, he doesn't need those difficulties to be known by everyone else at the studio. For those difficulties to multiply into even more if the wrong person finds out. Sure, Shane could be bluffing but would Ryan risk taking that chance? The man's a mystery. 

"Fine. I'll play your game but...on one condition as well." 

Shane looks intrigued and gestures for Ryan to continue.

"I want to sit somewhere. And what better place than to sit on the ledge. You and me are sitting on the ledge while doing this." It's a stupid condition to be honest, but Ryan really wants to sit. Just because his legs are tired and the adrenaline was wearing off. 

A flash of something (fear?) flickers in Shane's eyes and he shakes his head. "Pick another one or I'm telling everyone I see."

Something red and hot boils inside of Ryan. It was a simple condition, for god sake! "Poor Shane doesn't want to leave his fancy chair to get his tush dirty?" He bites.

Shane sputters in disbelief which is so unlike Shane but Ryan doesn't care. He's going to sit on the ledge and Shane is going to sit on the ledge with him. Ryan gestures to the ledge and starts walking towards it, soon hearing shuffled footsteps following him. A smile graces his face. It's the first time that Shane has done something Ryan wanted, who willingly bent under the force Ryan applied.

He knows that it's never going to happen again. So when Ryan's situated on the ledge, he flashes a blinding smile towards Shane's scowling face as the guy moves to sit beside Ryan. It's awfully close. Close enough to for Ryan to feel the slight shaking coming from the other man. 

"Why are you shaking, big guy? The worst is over. You won't have to follow me or my orders anymore this night." Ryan jokes, his smile slightly faltering when Shane doesn't joke back where a silence ensues instead.

After a while, Shane mutters out, "I have a fear of heights." 

Now Ryan feels like a jerk. He should have asked why Shane didn't want to and not have forced him. Wasn't it his mother who told him to treat others the way he wanted to be treated? "I'm sorry. I won't do it again. We can go back if you want." Ryan replied in return, voice soft and understanding. 

He thought about putting a hand on Shane's knee to steady him, but decided not to. It would be weird. So Ryan wraps his left arm around Shane's shoulders and maybe...just maybe...

He feels Shane's body stop shaking. It's warm and soft, nothing that Ryan expected to feel. He expected to feel something hard, like the heart that he thought Shane to have. Maybe he does. Shane's a mystery and Ryan hates mysteries.

But when Shane whispers, "Let's start the game now. Are you afraid, Ryan?" 

Shivers roll down his spine as Ryan ~~feels like~~ _knows that_ Shane will no longer be a mystery to him after this night.

Nor will Ryan be a mystery to _him_ afterwards. 

And Ryan would be lying (and in this game you cannot lie) if he said that he wasn't scared to start. 

"I'm not scared, Shane. Begin."


	11. Il n’y a pas de verités moyennes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane and Ryan's Margarita: 
> 
> A couple of truths.  
> And a couple of lies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Welcome to my latest chapter, if you enjoyed this, be sure to leave a comment and/or kudos! Bookmark it to be kept updated on all things with this story in general.
> 
> Thank you for reading and please enjoy!

_"Fate finds you alluring...but do not be fooled. It is you who are its slave." - Julie C. Dao, **A Forest of a Thousand Lanterns**_

May 26th,1981

Shane tries to keep his eyes from looking down. It's a common rule if you're afraid of heights. _Don't look down._ Although sometimes you need to look down. Icarus should have done so before he flew into the sun and burned brightly, feathered wings falling softly into the sea. 

So because of this inane logic, and because Shane needs to conquer this fear. He looks down at his feet dangling over the ledge, at the hard cobblestones below as he asks the first question, slowly unraveling Ryan underneath his fingertips. 

"Why did you let them do this to you?" Shane says, gesturing his hand towards Ryan. "Let them bleach you. And you didn't scream. Didn't complain. Nothing. You can't tell me you lost the fight already." The last sentence seems to resonate with Ryan the most, the guy flinching slightly, eyes blinking. 

"I had to. Wouldn't you have done the same if you were in my shoes?" Ryan replies, breezily.

"Go into detail."

"No...I don't think I will. Save it for the next question." Ryan responded with a smirk plastered on his face. Shane felt something instead of him bristle. If the smartass in front of him is going to be a smartass, well Shane was going to be a smartass as well. It's a shame, he _was_ going to play fair.

"Well, here's my next question then-"

"Hey! It's my turn, greedy."

"Of course. The answer is I'm not sure, maybe I would let them do that to me, maybe I'll refuse heavily and find another job in a different industry."

"What are you talking about?"

At Ryan's confusion, Shane plasters a bigger and more cocky smirk on his face. "Your question was, 'Wouldn't you have done the same if you were in my shoes?'." He sees Ryan's face turn red and Shane's smirk just grows bigger. Oh Shane definitely knows how much Ryan would like to punch him right now. Serves him right.

"My question is 'Why?' and I feel like you would know what I mean." Shane continues on, ignoring Ryan's exclamation that this game doesn't have definite rules.'

"Well fine!" Ryan exasperatedly says, turning his head away from Shane, but it wasn't fast enough to have Shane to not be able to see how his mouth was upturned in a smile. Something in Shane is glad to see the man smile. He knew Ryan didn't smile much in the months that the guy worked in the studio.

When Ryan turns back towards Shane, he answers, "Giving in was the last thing I wanted to do. But I had to. There was...no other way. Especially when you're not the race they wanted in the first place. And I need this. I can't do anything else. It is my dream and my everything. It got me out of poverty. It barely managed to get my entire family, which is only my brother really, out of poverty...." and as Ryan continues, Shane thinks that Ryan could be a storyteller in a different life.

His words have a habit to wash over you and make you feel like him, to feel like Ryan Bergara, for a moment. Maybe that's what drew Steven to Ryan in the first place. 

_It was cold and it was tired. Everyone was tired and hurting._

_Jake looked up at him with wide big eyes. "I'm hungry, Ryan."_

_Ryan then shoved the plate toward Jake, and as his little brother ate just a little more rice (it still wasn't enough, nothing was enough nowadays), Ryan tried to stop his stomach from growling as it hurt when it happened. Ryan looked out the window at the snow and hail hitting themselves against the window. He remembered that he used to like it when he was younger.  
_

_Winter used to mean Christmas which then meant gifts and cookies and **love**_. _So much **love.**_

_Now Winter just meant all the things that would have been, if only his parents didn't lose their jobs a few years ago. If his father never touched a white powder and needles that were meant for shots but were not for vaccines. Just so that it didn't lead to his mother drinking a cider that made her cry, punch walls, and then sleep._

_Ryan tried to cover those holes up the best he could. Just so Jake wouldn't ask. As he stares at the window, he really hopes that someday they'll be warm and free._

_"What's your wish? Everyone has a wish for Christmas. We don't get presents. My wish is that I'll get the latest Batman action figure." Jake asked, looking at Ryan eagerly._

_As Ryan wrapped his arms around Jake pulling him close, smiling, he whispered the wish that he had for so long. "To become a star. To get out of here. For you to go to a good college. For us to be warm."_

_Jake looked slightly confused but nodded all the same. "Well I hope you get it all the same."_

_That Christmas, Ryan managed to dip into the fund reserved for the needles and cider, and use just a little make Jake's wish come true. Ryan's wish didn't come true yet. Not yet._

_The wish came true when the two of them finally moved to Los Angeles from Arcadia._

"Maybe you'll understand this now. Although it is not my job to care what you think." Ryan ends.

Shane nods slowly, thinking over Ryan's words again and again. He could see that perspective well enough. He could _feel_ that perspective well enough. Shane remembers when he was younger and eager to climb. So eager to climb that he never noticed (until when he got to the top) how bloody his hands were, blood that came from him and from others. Others who he stole the role from, others who Shane did not defend as they were cast out, so many nameless others who Shane indirectly doomed.

Shane was never much for direct confrontation. He'd always hurt others by not saying anything or taking things that everyone competed for.

Ryan...seemed to be a man who would happily get more blood on his hands that even Shane. He had a role in the future, Ryan even had a role now. The scandals are not fading at all, more and more people are disliking, even hating, Shane by the minute.

Scandals from Shane always seem to make the spotlight and stay there longer than others. And frankly, Shane was just being true to himself for once. That's the part of Shane that was Shane's only. His sexuality.

Steven needs to step Ryan up even more if he even wants his movie to do good. The movie that was featuring Shane as a main lead. The normal thing a producer needed to do was to take Shane out. It happened to Scott. And it should happen to Shane. It was only fair.

But apparently Steven was a loyal bastard. It's something that Shane loves and yet hates at the same time...occasionally. Like some part of him just wishes...that Steven would let him burn like the rest of stars who'd gotten into scandals...bad scandals...

Like Scott.

"Are you going to say anything?" Ryan inquires, which shakes Shane out of his stupor.

"I'm not sure what to say."

"I don't think anyone really knows what to say when there's something heavy in the air. It's common for everyone to leave it to silence."

Shane nods. So he lets silence take hold for a while. Which then allows Ryan to pose his next question.

"Are you gay?"


	12. Le temps est un grand maître, dit-on. Le malheur est qui’il tue ses élèves.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane Madej has many regrets.
> 
> Ryan finds out one of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Welcome to my latest chapter, if you enjoyed this, be sure to leave a comment and/or kudos! Bookmark it to be kept updated on all things with this story in general.
> 
> Thank you for reading and please enjoy!

_"Isn't it better to wake up each day, living for the present rather than waiting for the future?" - Julie C. Dao, **Forest of a Thousand Lanterns**_

May 26th, 1981  


Ryan notices that Shane stiffened slightly. He hurries to say, "You don't have to. It's okay. I can ask something else."

Shane cuts him off with a shake of his head. "No, it's okay. I asked you something personal. It's only fair for you to ask me something personal in return. An eye for an eye they say."

"An eye for an eye and the world goes blind." If it was true, Ryan had gone blind a long time ago. Probably worse than blind.

Shane chuckles slightly, and then nods his head twice. "Yes, I'm gay." Ryan sees that Shane's not afraid to admit it with his set jaw and eyes boring into Ryan's, daring him to say something offensive. He imagines that if he did say something offensive, Shane would shove him off the ledge and then tell Steven to find a new lead. Knowing Steven, he'll probably cover it up for two reasons: he is loyal to Shane and probably wouldn't want to accidentally implicate himself in a murder.

So Ryan says the only thing that he thinks would show Shane that he's on his side. On his side against the world. "I'm gay too."

What he didn't expect was for Shane to start laughing. Something in him inflames with rage and annoyance. Maybe Ryan will be the one to ask Steven to cover up a dead body.

"What's so funny?" Ryan says, clearly annoyed. He didn't take Shane's words as a joke so why should Shane take his?

"I'm sorry." Shane says, wiping tears from his eyes. "I just didn't expect for you to say that. I thought it would be cheesy or corny like, 'You should not be afraid of who you are' or 'Who cares what the world thinks?' But it wasn't.", then his voice becomes soft and ends with, "I appreciate you opening that up to me. It shows me that you have courage and some people are just less ignorant than others."

The anger faded as quickly as it happened when Shane ended his sentence. Ryan let out a slight chuckle, "Well aren't you so pessimistic of me?"

Shane shrugged in return. "I guess I am of everyone. You really can't trust anyone here. That's the main thing you learn here, with any amount of time you spend here. From a second to a lifetime. Everyone's backstabbing. Even I am. You probably are too."

Ryan shook his head vehemently. "I'm not backstabbing. I would never do that." He was speaking the truth. He would never do that to anyone, no matter how bad they were to him. Ryan knows the crushing feeling of confiding your secrets in someone else, someone so so close to you, and have that someone betray you. And it wasn't even to your face. It's one of the few things Ryan would never wish on his worst enemy. 

The man beside him didn't seem to believe that, head shaking in disbelief. So Ryan said it again, "I would never do that."

"Would you do it if it got you everything you wanted? I see it in your eyes. You don't even want fame. You _need_ fame. I know a desperate man when I see one."

"Takes one to know one." Ryan spit back. He's not desperate. It's just a goal that he really really wants to obtain. Shane may not know but Ryan has morals. An ethical code. Ryan would rather go to the grave than break it. 

Something in him laughs, echoing in the hollow rib-cage. _"You already broke it."_

Ryan stamps down the insecurities and all the parts of himself that he wants no one to see, as he listens to Shane talk.

"I sometimes forget how I started to come up here-on this rooftop-in the first place. It was Marielle Scott. A manager-well used to be. Mari was the first person to introduce me to his place before she left. To where?..." Shane's eyes start to turn wistful. "I don't know. Sara says that she's doing good and she's being truthful; she loves the girl after all. However...I'm afraid to ask for more. One of my many regrets and wishes was that I could care more for her back then. Than myself. It gets lonely at the top. It gets lonely on the journey as well. Mari made the journey better. I wish I appreciated her more."

"What did you do?" Ryan asks, wanting more. He'd always want more for Shane. In the present and...it's frightening to say in the future. Ryan doesn't deny that there's something about Shane that seems to pull you in. If Shane was a color, he would be a whole vat of so many shades. It would look horrible but imagine none of the shades mixed with each other. It would be almost pretty to look at. And you would just want to reach your hand in and pick out each color and fit it to the human. 

But then it's a vat. A big enough vat could just drown you. Is that why Shane doesn't have friends? He pulls them in and drowns them. Steven seems very lucky to survive in Ryan's eyes.

"It wasn't outright. I just focused on myself. That was all it took. She didn't tell me, but I knew. Mari helped me accept my sexuality. And...I just ignored her. For my lines, my acting, my looks, my everything that the public would scrutinize and judge. I was so entranced by the moon and clawed up the sky just to get to it. I didn't realize who I clawed up, their blood staining my hands. Mari was the first...and I'm slightly sad to say that it was not the last."

Ryan sees the memories flood in Shane's eyes. "When did she leave?" Ryan prodded gently. Shane didn't move for a while, where it was obvious that the memories took him.

And then he heartrendingly whispered, "I have no idea. I drove her away enough so that when she _did_ leave. Don't worry, she didn't entirely leave because of me. Mari quit mainly because of the sexism common in the industry and...the people she associated with, especially Sara. The two...well it's not my secret to tell. She called it, 'massive double standards'. I never know until Sara told me in a disappointing voice. And Sara's rarely disappointed in me."

Ryan doesn't know what to say except an apology. But did Shane truly deserve an apology? He made his bed and now he's lying in it. There was nothing that could change it. Unless...

"Why didn't you come and find her?"

Shane let out a bitter chuckle. "Well I have the resources and the means to do so. I'm just missing a good reception over there. She'll probably murder me."

"For taking so long. How long has it been?"

"Three years."

"So what are you afraid of? Go!"

"When did you turn into a peppy person people find on television?"

"Ever since you admitted to me a mistake that could be rectified."

"Then what about yours?"

"Mine?"

Shane pulled out a cigarette and lit it, shoving it into his mouth hastily. Ryan never knew Shane smoked until now. Maybe that's why Shane had always opted to take the elevator.

Shane spoke between puffs of the cigarette. "Yours. What do you done that you regret?"

"I regret nothing. The mistakes that I have made are not ones that are disastrous." Ryan replied, shortly, entirely believing every word that he said. The part of him, a dark one, laughed slightly.

_"So you didn't regret what you did to that poor boy?"_

_"No."_ Ryan replied in his head, admitting it only to that, and never admitting to anyone else.

As Shane and Ryan sat in silence until the sun was risen, orange rays glowing in the sunset, with Shane's cigarette long puffed to death, and immersed in their own memories. 

With thinking over the potential consequences of confiding in each other of those memories.

A desperate man confiding in Shane.

A regretful man confiding in Ryan.


	13. Le prix d’Amour, c’est seulement Amour… Il faut aimer si l’on veut etre aimé…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What does Shane + Ryan + Booze + Feelings =?
> 
> A) Disaster  
> B) Disaster  
> C) Disaster  
> D) Disaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! If you liked this chapter be sure to leave a comment and/or a kudos. I really appreciate them! 
> 
> Bookmark so you can keep up with future chapters.

_"I have my own soul and my own destiny, and I'm tired to belonging to someone else." - Julie C. Dao, **Forest of a Thousand Lanterns**_

July 4th, 1981  


Shane stares at the beer swirling in his cup, the brown liquid already gone room-temperature. He shrugs inwardly and downs another gulp, knowing that each sip brings him closer to a terrible hangover the next morning. It's not like Shane cares much for his job anymore after it's been laced with shame and large amounts of regret. Steven seems to care though, so maybe he'll just be slightly tipsy. However, the beer looks a little too tempting and Shane can never resist temptation for long.

Anyway, Steven's already drunk and giddy, laughing with his producer friends on the other side of the house. It's not like he can judge Shane for doing the same thing. So Shane plans on getting drunk tonight. With every sip, he sounds from the loud speakers and the people around him fade until it becomes a soft bumping in his ears.

Leave it to Sara to have a party on Wednesday night. And leave it to Sara to drag him here, claiming that he needs "a pep in his spirit." Shane definitely feels a pep in his spirit, but he assumes that Sara wanted him to get peppy through socializing, not alcohol and the pack of cigarettes in his pocket.

Shane honestly don't know when he started smoking. He remembered starting it and just not stopping. He remembers depending on it (as he still does) to get through the fast stream of life. Shane remembered shouting at his brother for doing the same. If only that Shane could have seen him now. If past Shane did, he'll know what to say. He'll just probably scream "Hypocrite!" in present Shane's face and then get angry at Scott for allowing this to happen. Shane doesn't know what Scott would say, he doesn't even know. Shane had not seen him for over a year ever since that night; he wasn't even there when the doctors took his brother to rehab. 

He'd also never seen a hospital waiting room since that night. Or inside a hospital in general. Shane also doesn't know how Scott's doing now even though he threw in a lawsuit against the company that he works for due to a legally binding contract. What would the money be needed for if Scott was just going to waste it all on drugs and smoke once he got out, neglecting Shane in the process, giving him a reason to not trust anyone, to not put a piece of himself with them to hold and care for. 

_People who are close to you can break you apart._ That's what Scott indirectly taught Shane in the process, besides teaching him what fear and love meant.

Maybe Shane would use it for himself, to prevent it. If he had the money (which was a lot-well Shane does but not enough to destroy the contract), he would have left fame a long time ago. Shane'd had his taste of fame and now he wants a taste of a simple life. It's funny how he wished for just the opposite back then. 

But Shane couldn't be greedy. The bills were piling up. There was only so much money Shane had and he'll possibly lose even more money in the lawsuit and the movie, only if it doesn't do well. 

It's so tiring being the one to worry about everything. So that's why this night...Shane's going to just let go. He downs the rest in the cup, then goes to the area and refills it while ignoring Sara chatting up one of her many friends who were visiting from Acadia, and downs the whole cup. The process continues again and again, which Shane finds himself with a man in his arms, dancing horribly in the living room crowd. 

The man whispers something and apparently Shane thinks it's funny so he laughs loud and hard. He forgets when was the last time that he laughed so loud and hard. Then Shane whispers for the both of them to go up into one of Sara's many guest rooms to have their own little private fun. He doesn't see Sara's smirk as the both of them tumble up the stairs. 

As they crash through a random door leading to a random empty bedroom, the man shoves Shane onto the bed and settles himself on top of him. "Maybe you're forgetting who's in charge here." Shane mumbles against the guy's lips as they kiss. 

The guy laughs in return. "I'm sober and you're drunk." Something in that laugh reminds Shane of someone. It remind hims of _Ryan._

"Ryan?" Shane asks, not sure whether he should find another man or just keep him here. His brain wants him to find someone else; someone else who doesn't hold a piece of Shane, because _somehow_ Shane was stupid enough that night to tell. The secret of Mari just poured itself out. What does Shane even have of Ryan in return? Ryan trusted him with a piece too. That should be equal. An eye for an eye. 

But something in him knew that it wasn't enough. Shane's piece given to Shane would destroy Shane if crushed. Ryan's piece given to Shane and if Shane crushed it, the public would be more likely to feel pity than anger. Everything's up to the public. And the public is not kind, always angry or always pitiful.

 _"And Ryan's going to use you now. He's sober. He **let** you drag him up here. He'll tell stories about this. He'll ruin you. Keep your friends close but your enemies closer." _A voice inside of Shane's brain whispered.

 _"Maybe he's in love. After all, you cared for him when no one had in this industry."_ A voice inside of Shane's heart whispered after.

"Shane?" Ryan's voice brings him back to reality. He looks slightly concerned, "You gazed into space for a while."

Shane's voice turns seductive of its own accord as his hand lands itself on Ryan's cheek, the man leading into it subtly. Shane's drunk, he can't really control anything. "Why do you hate me so much?" He purrs softly.

"I don't hate you."

"You did. Now you don't."

"You hated me too."

"I did. Simply because you were rude at first. Is it a party trick of yours?"

As time went by, Shane slowly came to truly enjoy Ryan's company and noticed that the other man took the same opinion of him, although it took slightly longer. They were friends. But now...were they still friends if this happened? Probably not.

Were they going to be possibly lovers? Probably yes. Love was convoluted, friendship is not.

Were they going to be truly enemies in the end? Maybe. If they keep wanting to scratch each other, there would be only blood on the floor.

"I hated you because of that scandal."

"Everyone does. You...a little more. Why?"

"Brett."

Now this was a secret that would hurt Ryan just the way it would hurt Shane if the public knew about Mari. If this piece was broken, Brett would be ripped to shreds with Ryan heartbroken.

Shane smiled, "So you think you're going to use me like I used him?"

Ryan's hands tightened around Shane's hips and dark shadows swirled in his eyes. "Sit back and enjoy the ride."

Then something in Ryan's eyes shifted, dark shadows fading quickly. "This...I'm so sorry, Shane." He said, getting his hands off of Shane.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't do this."

As Ryan ran out the door, Shane wondered whether anyone truly good after all.


End file.
